I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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