exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
