I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize