Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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