You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
