seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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