Who wears a wallet chain?!
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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