96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize