Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
