I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
