I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
