I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
