It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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