My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My vagina just clenched in fear
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize