sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
