Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
