I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
