i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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