Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
