i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
