I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
