Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
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