Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
