i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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