Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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