You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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