I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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