I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
