i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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