I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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