I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
