she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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