And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
