I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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