You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she told me i tasted like america
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
