From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
