Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
