you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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