I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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