At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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