So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
