Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This is my gift to your gina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
