I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
