It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
