He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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