then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if only i could text you this smell
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
