i wish semen tasted like chocolate
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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