false alarm. still invincible.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
