Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
