I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
