If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Who died my cat blue again?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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