Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
