I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
