Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
