You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
