i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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